Give Me A Man
I claimed to have believed in Jesus back in 1997, and I was baptized in 1998. For 12 years (1997-2009) I've attended church twice a week, never missed a Sunday service or a Friday fellowship (missed a few maybe, but definitely within finger counts). During that time I never read the bible. I only learn of the so called "God's teaching" from listening to my pastors. Back then, when any unwanted situation happens, I used to blame and curse God continuously. I was such a horrible-horrible person, but things changed in year 2009.
When I suddenly start reading the Bible, I notice that most of the teachings I've learned in the past 12 years, they are either the very-very beginning (repent and believe), or just completely wrong. (Once saved, always saved). I started to wonder, "Am I believing in the right thing?"
In May 2010, I was praying to God days and nights, crying for the truth. I said to God, "I feel weird about the teachings in church. When I read the bible I am confused. I cannot distinguish the false from the truth. Should I believe in the well educated pastors; or should I believe in my beginner's judgement?" I continued saying, "Don't give me signs or directions, I could be wrong. I need a concrete being (an angel, or a voice) to speak to me physically, into my physical ear, the truth of God." I also prayed to God, "Tie my hands if you have to, break my legs, pull me with irresistible force and take away my free will if it has to be, just get me in your true path."
Within days, one of my long disconnected friends (I'll call him SK) suddenly called me. He told me that he recently found out the truth of God, and suddenly thought of me (I take it as God has answered my prayer). He said that the church has been wrong all along.
For the following two years, I felt totally suppressed by him. He always beats me with bible verses, forces me to listen to him and do what he said. (Come pray with me now, bless me with bible quotes, read the Bible and practice it, go preach the gospel with me today). I have absolutely no freedom in front of him (I take it as God has answered my prayer...). Due to my 12 years of churchy life, I confronted him a lot. I confronted him with my learnings from my church pastors. However, he can alway points out that I am contradicting the Bible somewhere. We fought a lot until a point he said to me saying, "Alright, if this is what you think, explain these and these Bible verses for me! If you cannot, either admit this is the truth of God, or just admit you hate the word of God and love your worldly life! Your choice, make it now!"
Since then, I started reading the Bible daily. The more I read the bible, the more I learn about God. The more I learned about God, the more I agree with SK. In the past five years, I've read the whole Bible ten times. I finally feel like I can distinguish the false doctrine from the truth.
Early 2013, I feel like I've finally found the absolute path of truth... I finally am confident on what I've been learning in the past 3 years, is indeed correct. Still, the "consistance guidence" from SK was too tough for me to handle... So I decided to once again pray to God, saying, "Thank you, Lord. You have answered my prayer and given me a physical guide. You have also unfailingly pulled me into your path. I finally have confident that the path I am walking in, is correct... Now, may I have my freedom back... please?"
After I've made the prayer, within weeks... SK begins to question on his own believe. He felt into his own set of struggles... Since then, he has contacted me less and less. For many times he told me that I was his important support in Christ. Seeing how educated and dedicated he was, I thought he was invincible and only said that out of his humility ...So I never believed. Until today, I still think it is I who has destroyed Him.........
6:2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.